The Beaton One is a battered, psychologically damaged, beaten-up and generally well-bashed hunk of alder, has a maple and rosewood neck, and has been covered with a variety of gold, platinum and copper leaf, subjected to the humiliation of a variety of chemical drips and dribbles so that it is aged and rotted and looks somewhat tortured, it has to be said. Actually it looks more chewed in parts, but it adds to the ambiance.
So as you can see this is a seriously cool offer, that quite literally is never to be repeated.
Beneath the bashed-around-the-ring surface though, is a cool guitar, 'boasting':
- Tusq nut,
- Fender Custom '69 pickups,
- Quality pots, switches, jack and vintage wiring,
- Wilkinson Bridge for three ton of sustain, and
- Wilkinson Easy Lock Tuners
- Tweedy Hardcase, Delivered to your door.
And for one lucky chap or chapess, it will be totally free, zilch, nowt, sod-all and basically a gift, delivered to your door, unless you want to pop around and have a brew and save me the postage.
So what do you have to do to get this vision of batteredness?
I'm glad you asked as I was losing the will to live.
Extra marks for really weepy sob stories, general slagging off of everybody else that wants it and offers of slightly perverse yet interestingly imaginative bribes. Offers only please, the neighbourhood watch around here wear brown shirts.
And that is that. A million quid-plus guitar, up for grabs for nowt but a moment of your time, a sample of your humour.
So in summary:
- Free to enter, just comment below
- Include a name of some sort that you will recognise if I happen to pick you as the winner
- Entries must be dated/timed before 2.44pm on Friday 22nd July 2011 GMT
- No wheelbarrowload of cash alternative. The prize is a guitar, deal with it.
- Winner picked by me entirely at random or at least with whatever prejudice feels good at that particular time
- No arguing about anything, I bore really easily
- Guitar will be sent within a week using a courier that will no doubt damage/drop/send it via Melbourne
- Prize may be replaced with a different guitar if somebody buys it for the RSP in the meantime, assuming somebody reads this to a footballer or something and I haven't disappeared to South America with the money.
- If nobody at all enters, I will donate The Beaton One to science
- Can't think of anything else much to say
So let the, err, battle commence.
50 comments:
well I'm pretty sure i'm the person you want to give this guitar to, why you ask? Here's why; if I wasn't so desperately broke I would have offered to have bought almost every guitar I've seen on this page. so what do you gain by giving me this guitar? I'll tell you; I am a really awesome guy, it's true, I'm polite, punctual and today I wore shoes that didn't match. I know what you're thinking, that I do sound awesome, and you would be correct. Everyone wants to be friends with awesome people and what better way to start a friendship than by giving me that guitar? i also happen to spend up to 7 days a week in a recording studio, a guitar such as this is destined to receive a lot of attention, and if i'm showing it off to bands you can bet they'll all come running to your door and you'll earn that 1.217,898.43 million back in no time :) also I happen to make really, really awesome sandwiches and would be willing to send you one with the filling of your choice as a token of my supreme gratitude. so to some up, I'm broke, I'm awesome, i'll be sending loads of bands your way and possibly a sandwich :)
oh yeah, and my name is will, as in you will give me the guitar, easy to remember isn't it?
On my travels through time and space, I happened upon this website, and lo and behold, the crux of my voyages is found. I was send from the year 3754 to find The Beaton One in order to save the Universe from certain destruction by a super-race of gerbils. The Beaton One is the Key to Ultimate Power - but only the right hands. Those hands are typing this comment. I was chosen in my time as the bearer of The Beaton One because of my devilish good looks, devastating charm and ability to talk total bollocks. Now, should I be united with the Key to Ultimate Power (The Beaton One), I will be able to smite the evil gerbils and save the universe from certain rubbishness, and return to my time safe in the knowledge that I've done something really, REALLY cool. Give me The Beaton One. The fate of the Universe depends on it.
All the best
Bidley
Well my good friend I believe I shall throw my hat into the ring once again...I believe you should grace me with this guitar for a good number of reasons...first,I am an avid fan of the Jookified works that you have been creating and find this a stunning girl indeed..Second..I am in North America and I am working towards recording our second attempt at getting the first try right(engineer glitch first time)..Third,I do own many guitars but certainly nothing near as valuable as this model's worth has been stated to be..also I have nothing with single coil pickups in the strat configuration as this Jookified Girly has...Fourth,all of my instruments are well cared for played and restrung on a regular basis and ALL are treasured regardless of their purchase cost...Lastly, I find this well executed mastery of the aged and patinaed finish not only quite stunning but also not unlike myself...a bit older and worn in spots but I also have something special still shining through beneath the bumps bruises and other physical insults I have suffered in the process of growing to my early middle age....she is simply beautiful and would fill a void in my current harem quite nicely...Thank you for the opportunity and consideration in this matter now at hand...sincerely,PJM!
I removed my first post on this as the power of the Beaton One had caused a rupture in the fabric of the space-time continuum, thus flooding the overflow pipe in the septic tank out back.
Here's what I was on about:
It needs to come to me for the very simple fact that if it does not the Wigglepig will be unleashed from its dormant slumbers, roaming the face of the earth (or Dagenham at least) in search of corpulent bunny flesh.
The Beaton One must be used as an amulet against the power of the Wigglepig, driving it back from where it came with its shards and lashes of electrified goooglypooawesomerocybeastsound.
Once defeated, the Wigglepig will forever prowl the confines of its lair (near Swindon actually) rubbing pigfat on its scrofula. The Beaton One then can put to greater use for the benefit of all mankind (me).
The alternative is unthinkable. You do NOT want the Wigglepig roaming loose!
I was going to be all like "nah, I don't need another one. I won't enter."
But the truth is, I can't stop myself. I'm a complete addict, and I need another strat. But my darling other half will *actually* kill me if I buy another guitar this year. This is where you come in. By sending this one off donation of one guitar you could be helping save the life of this humble player. Give a man a CD and he'll listen to it once, then use it as a coaster. Give a man a guitar and he'll annoy his neighbours, his friends, and ultimately wind up wanting another one 6 months later, but at least he'll have another guitar. And that's what counts, right?
you should give me the beaton one, because:
I am a virtuoso just wanting to bust out of my les paul shaped cage.
I only have 60 years left to live.
My wife left me.
My cat got eaten by my dog.
My dog got hit by my car.
My car got stolen.
Inside the car was my previous guitar, which also got stolen.
My amp exploded.
My oven caught fire.
My house fell down.
All i have left is this computer, some carpet lint and a toothpick.
I need the beaton one so i can busk and make some money.
..only £150,000 left to go...
come on jooky....help a brother out!
Give it to me or fluffy the hamster kicks the bucket. I have wired his cage up to a light socket. Don't let this be on your conscience ...
Becaush I love GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD! And it'sh a keeper.
We wants it, we needs it.
Must have the precious.
The sneaky little hobbitses will try to steal my precious but i will protect from them.
Hugs n Kisses
Gollum
You'd like to donate this to me so that I could take it to World Guitars in Stonehouse and ask Jeff how much he'd give me for it in trade against his entire selection of PRS Private Stock models - as it's obviously far superior to any of them - or maybe that not at all gimmicky Aston Martin guitar and amp!
Basically, you should definitely give the guitar to me, as i'm the most worthy.
I've never been cool, i've never got the girls, i've never had friends, I've just sat at home playing my boring looking guitars on my own.
Because i'm so uncool, i've never been able to get a job because i would make everyones businesses go downhill due to my uncoolness.
I once got all the answer right in an english exam at school, but still failed because the teacher just thought there was no point in me having grades with such a low level of awesomeness.
To prove my prowess in english, and show just how much the guitar would mean to me, i've written you a poem.
Please, please give me this Jooky,
Without it i'll look like a wooky,
My style may be flawed some,
But this would make me awesome,
Then i could finally get some Nooky!
As you can see i am in dire need of this guitar, so please please please, donate this guitar to me, and change a young boys life forever.
I am rubbish at guitar, I don't understand the point of this, and I think its all stupid.
Can I have it?
I have never got on with S-type guitars. God knows, I've tried.. and failed miserably.
Jooky guitars are the most charismatic, quirkiest guitars I've ever happened upon - I'm a huge fan. I mean - LOOK at that finish!!! And being totally pot-less, a freebie is probably my best chance of ever owning one.
If any guitar can get me over my Stratophobia, it's that guitar. Believe me - I would cherish it forever!
... because I'm worth it
Dear Sirs,
Thanks you for having time to read this message. My situation is current and causing me personal and spiritual pain, being of delicate financial complexion. As of yesterday morning my close friend and table tennis mentor, Prof. Prendegast Cresspatch is suffering wretched penal injustice at the hands of corrupt government ghouls. Prof. Cresspatch (as you know doubt already aware) was my Namibia's Table Tennis and African Dry-Curling national coach from Olympic years 1988-92 and as such ammassed many dollars from popular endorsements.
Before he was kidnapped, the Professor managed to sluice some of his terrifying fortune into bank accounts held in nearby Botswana, but (as you are no doubt already aware) this could easily be set-upon by the greedy probings of corrupt members.
We ask your help in keeping the safety of the noble Professor's money (an amount the equivalent of $12bil USD plus VAT). The plan of myself and the noble Professor: I will transfer his entire fortune to your bank account in Britain on the condition that it is returned to the champion Professor's account in Namibia upon his release. In order to close the account in Botswana however we will have to pay a fee equivalent to £1,217,898.43 GBP or an item proved of being of equal worth (as you know doubt already aware). Please send this amount to myself at my car finance showroom in Windhoek as soon as God will allow and I shall forward the Professor's billions to you within 6-8 weeks.
Please consider this request of help to save WITH THE WILL OF GOD.
Bestest regards,
Rev. Royston L. Bapperjack
Don't give it Gollum, he only wants it for himself. Give it to me so I can thow it into the fires of Mount Doom and save us all!
Frodo.
Unlike most people commenting thus-far, I am not proposing to play this fine example of the rock arts-and-crafts musicological expressionism, redolent of the psychedelic excess of the sixties before it and so many other wonderful ideas.
No. This artefact is much more than a musical instrument it is a work of art, the vanguard of a renaissance of sixties values and as such it should be placed upon a stark white wall in a gallery for men with funny names and thick black rectangular glasses and women with fringes and coffee breath to stare at dispassionately and intone in sombre deep voice the profoundness of it's meaning and cultural value.
Of course it's meaning will be lost to them but it will be the spark to a flame that will re-ignite the music driven world banishing mediocrity, media-moguls and ... moguls returning the world to a state of grace and balance required to enter fully into the spirit of the new millenium.
I think it would suit me because I look as ugly and wasted as it does
I think it would look great hanging on my wall - next to the Aria semi-solid. Oh it would get played too, not on stage but in private. I kinda like the colour
Thanks,
Rocker
I would play this lovely guitar to an inch of it's life, appreciate, look after, and pass on to my little boy, who thinks it looks like the gold robot from star wars....
I will probably never get to own one of your splendid creations by conventional means, therefore this will be my only opportunity, and you know deep down in your heart that you really, really, really, really want to give it to me. You do. Oh yes.
well because if you don't i'll scream and scream and scream untill I turn blue......and when I do....you'll be sorry!
I was going to suggest you give it to me because I don't have a stratocaster type guitar. I do have a reputation amongst my peers for not liking strats and they all tell me I should have one. But I don't want to buy one. However I would be very happy to accept your generous offer, just so I can find out what all the fuss is about Stratocasters.
I was going to say all that but really I think you should give it to Stickyfiddle instead. His plea really touched me and his need is obviously greater.
well I feel obliged to enter - 4 Jookies just isn't enough. 5 is a much better number. It certainly won't be lonely. Actually I have some guitars that have classic strat sounds - taking a small leaf out of Jookies books - I've updated the pickups on a cheap Hutchins Rangemaster (reverse neck - 4 pickups - individual pickup swithes etc - really crazy) and bought another cheap strat that i'm going to upgrade
seriously whoever gets this will not be disappointed. I've got 4 Jookies because they're quality and they're different (in looks and sound) - not because if I keep buying them I might get a good one;)
If you don't get the free one - you should save up and pay for one - it's worth it
wilber77767 can I have a sandwich too!
Because I'm moving to Aberystwyth for the next 3 years, and I don't yet have a guitar (or outfit, for that matter), that would suit the out of date tablecloths that I am sure will be found in lonely waterfront cafes. Also, when I'm done with it, I'll let that bird fly to whoever deserves it. Good deed given is a good deed owed, and other such proverbs.
I should get it cos I love getting free stuff and if you give it to me I'l give you the punch line to this joke....
what do you call an exploding monkey?
Dear all,
I have watched, with concern, the accumulation of comments on this site and I feel compelled to intervene.
Frankly speaking, I am alarmed and a little disgusted at the manner in which the custody of this guitar is being determined: in an open forum; by submission of essays with only the vaguest of criteria for success. However disturbing I find this process, it alone was not what led to me to break my silence. While I find this whole process distasteful, I am utterly appalled at the quality of some of the applications for custody. While a minority appear to have been produced by morally upright people of sound mind, a large number appear to have been written by the mentally handicapped, people claiming to live in clearly fictitious locales (e.g. 'Wales') and the pathologically quirky (I have consulted both the BBC and New Line Cinema and have been informed that despite extremely high production values and appearances to the contrary, neither 'The League of Gentlemen' nor 'The Lord of the Rings was a documentary).
As you should all know, these guitars represent a minority of the guitar population and are, as such, provided with certain protections. The application of the 'S-type' monicker is both offensive and a gross generalisation. Additionally, drawing attention to features such as 'single coils', no matter that they of extremely high quality and probably sound freakin' sweet, at best constitutes objectification and at worst is akin to the examination by potential buyers of a slave's teeth. For shame.
You must also realise that by choosing to re-home your Jooky in this manner, you are increasing the likelihood of abuses occurring. I believe that one particular gentleman spoke, openly and without shame, of 'filling his void' with the instrument. I am aghast.
Sadly, after close consultation with the RSPCG, it appears that what you are doing, while deeply questionable, is within the law. I am left with no recourse but to appeal to your conscience: please, please do the right thing and turn this guitar over to your local RSPCG officer (a Mr. David 'Dan' Farmer) so that this noble and endangered instrument may be placed in a focussed rehabilitation programme including group (i.e. 'band') therapy as well as both 'wailing' and 'rock-out' sessions, all within a caring and raucous environment.
Yours hopefully,
Concerned, of Scotland
I can't help looking on with jealously covetous eyes at the Beaton One - since I'm intimately familiar with our axeman Dave's Lulu One (and hugely envious of that One too) I know what sort of mega-versatile Art-That-You-Can-Play we can expect from the Beaton one. Whoever gets it, and I'd treat her with love forever were it me, is a lucky beast. And if it ain't me, well, I'll be jealous of them, too.
I've just written a song called SEX AND DRUGS AND JOOKY GUITARS - if I win, I will record it (using the Beaton One) and put it on my website and it will probably go on my next cd and be put on itunes etc
Just fancy learning to play the guitar bur never got round to it.
If I win I may commence work on a concept album telling your tale through a series of literary allegories and pop-culture music and film references featuring tracks such as:
"The Jooks of Wrath"
"The English, Patient Man who made Guitars out of Tat."
"Episode VII: Return of the Jooki"
"Jookrassic Park"
"Jooky Balboa"
"One Flew Over the Jook-oo's Nest"
"We Built this Jooky (We built this Jooky) on Junk 'n' Orts"
"You Jook Me All Night long"
"Jumpin' Jook' Flash"
and finally:
"I Would Do Anything for Junk (but I Won't Sell Tat)"
what about a rock opera called "Jooky"
He's a guitar maker
he makes them with a twist
He's a Guitar maker
.....
Hello. Do the comments have to be clever and funny in order to stand a chance?
Thing is, I'd only guff that up like I do the solo to My Sharona. I'm a born loser, you see.
But you can change that; you have THE POWER. Use it wisely.
PS I like the guitar quite a bit too. It certainly doesn't resemble a pile of w*nk like that nasty drummist said.
If it's free I'll have two as my ol' man used to say.
If I don't win I'll put the pics of you and the goat up on musicradar under the heading 'Hot Jooky Goat Action' (part two)
But on a serious note...
Give it to me and i'll write a review of the guitar and post it all over the web.
If you are picking at random then it doesn't matter what I write here. If however you are not then I think Ash should have it for writing the poem!
;)
photek.x
I'm sure the Beatified Paul Reed Smith doesn't get this sort of grief.
Or maybe he doesn't read it, I dunno.
Or invite it, perhaps.
Or is above it, maybe.
I'm just about to polish the frets as I'm *that* professional. It's got 10s on now with a high action.. Should I go for 9s and make it more wimpy?
La la laa
No, 10s will do nicely thanks Mark. But do drop the action down a smidge, there's a poppet.
Why has no one asked about how I feel about all this?
I like my home in Jookyland and I'm not sure I want to go off and live with some stranger who might nestle my sparkly gold body under a smelly armpit, or use me to play smoke on the water for hours on end until I loose my little wooden mind.
If I must leave then surely I should go and live with Monquixote.
He is the only one who will truly care for me and delight audiences throughout East Anglia with his funk stylings.
Love
The Beaton One
Come to live with me and the Mellow one o' Beaton guitar. And don't worry, I can't even play Smoke on the Water....
I could give £500 to a charity of your choosing, then put it in the gallery, and do a BogOff with one of your paintings?
Charles
Nice try Charles, but you're meant to be able to flog them yourself. And moral blackmail only works if someone involved has any morals.. ;)
Erm, no reason really but I'll have it if you're giving it away.
Cheers,
Ben
If I were to receive The Beaton, I would give the constant neglect it blatently deserves. I would handle it with heavy duty gloves to avoid contamination and store it in the loft for a long time. After awhile, I'd build its hopes up by getting it out and saying "come on, I've been a bit harsh, let's put you to use." I would then dash The Beaton's hopes by playing another guitar right in front of it with a delirious grin on my face.
If I hung it up, I would have it facing the wall as it knows its looks offend me.
I'd tell it that it doesnt deserve the Fender Custom '69 pickups or the Wilkinson Bridge and easy lock tuners.
Come night time, I'd douse the tweed case in chloroform and say, "it smell pretty doesn't it? You'll sleep well tonight, oh you will..."
I'd goad the Beaton further by telling it that the supposed £1,217,898.43 price tag isn't its cost but is in fact it's the body weight it has gained for not being played. I'd mock it further by explaining that it is clearly going up in value...
Guilt would twinge me ever so slightly and I'd explain to The Beaton that it grieves me to be this way and underneath the garish skin, there is a good guitar oozing with beauty and finese.
But it would take guts to kiss the guitar because all The Beaton really needs is a loving and caring owner for it to come to life...
beed84 (passionate guitar owner)
beed84 - Err, are you my dad?
...No, I am.
Darth Vader.
Well I spent a good 15 minutes trying to think of a good reason why the guitar should be mine, and so far nothing. This giveaway made me come to terms with the fact that I have no redeeming qualities that give me any right to this guitar over anyone else. And you know what might get me out of this slump? Because I can't think of anything...
And that is officially GAME OVER...
I've got somebody else to judge it as I know too many of the entrants and it seemed fairer that way.
Results to be published at 5.24pm
Good luck to one and to all...etc.
Er 5:24pm on which day. Not that I'm waiting on the result [nonchalant whistling ensues]
I barely play guitar, I just like looking cool.
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