The Beaton One: And the winner is....

Well, I bottled out and left it to my son to choose as (at 8) he has a more advanced sense of humour...

And the one he chose to win the battered and time-torn The Beaton One is...

....... David Farmer, for

If I win I may commence work on a concept album telling your tale through a series of literary allegories and pop-culture music and film references featuring tracks such as:


"The Jooks of Wrath"

"The English, Patient Man who made Guitars out of Tat."

"Episode VII: Return of the Jooki"

"Jookrassic Park"

"Jooky Balboa"

"One Flew Over the Jook-oo's Nest"

"We Built this Jooky (We built this Jooky) on Junk 'n' Orts"

"You Jook Me All Night long"

"Jumpin' Jook' Flash"

and finally:

"I Would Do Anything for Junk (but I Won't Sell Tat)"

I'll be in touch, as they say at moments such as these.

Cheers to everyone that wasted their time etc.

Chisel Rage

Well, as you probably expect by now, all my plans, hopes, dreams and vague expectations fell to ashes around my trainers.

Chisel-rage-routed The Blue Moon One,
with knackered old Korg Pandora,
being watch by thankfully
working and in one piece
The Beaton One

Firstly, I would like to say that I did in fact get the Blue Moon One - now to be known as The Albatross That Is Slowly Strangling Me One - wired up, took my frustrations out on the routing with a chisel and put it all together. It looked great, beautiful in fact. The last ever Jooky Paisley guitar. I almost shed a tear.

Then I almost shed a few more when I plugged it in and it was doing a great impression of something silent, dead as a dodo and generally a bit too laid back for anybody's good.

Many hours were then wasted on rewiring, checking my resoldering of every joint until I remembered I own a Multimeter, and five minutes with that told me that the switch was knackered. Brand new, good make, yet flat-lining like a good one.

Well, I've ordered a new one and hopefully that will show up today as it all goes close to the wire again. I do feel that this guitar is just not destined to 'be'. I don't know why, it just feels like some kind of impossible mission.

That was Tuesday. Yesterday though, well that turned into a disaster too. If you remember (are vaguely interested) it was meant to be Gordon Smith New Guitar Day, combined with a trip around the fantastic light of Bristol's guitar shops. However at literally the last minute or three, 'family illness' intervened for the second time and so that never happened either. I still have the smell of NHS disinfectant in my nostrils as I type this missive.

So all in all, a complete pitta bread of a week in the end, I'm gutted about it. I still have today to hopefully sort out the BMO but lets face it, the odds on that working out are slim-to-zilch. The post won't show up with the switch before the schools are out and then I'm stuffed.

Still, Friday I get to give away The Beaton One. So that no doubt means the gaff will be turned over tonight, just to complete the joy, so you'll no doubt see it popping up on Crimewatch in artist impressionistic form.

Oh, I should add one uplifting little note for the day. When I finally got home yesterday an old original version of the Korg Pandora (PX1) was there waiting for me. Slightly battered, a good dozen years vintage, the back-lighting is unlit and the display can only be read from an odd angle, but plugged in it sounds great. Well, some of the effects sound great and the others can be tweaked, so a good half 'n' hour of jingling and jangling my way around Ghostdancing by Simple Minds and various Smiths and Echo & the Bunnies songs, put a smile back on my face. All for a bargain £3.84. You've got to love Ebay sometimes...even if the rest of real-life sucks like a Big Brother contestant.

The End of Paisley as we know it?

The Blue Moon One
I know I keep using this foto
but I haven't done anything with it since

Well, time is a running away with me, if I'm actually going to get The Blue Moon One dusted and done or hosed and in the homestead. or whatever it is I need to do before the holibob tsunami hits my quietish peace..

So Tuesday is officially Mooning day, as Wednesday is Bristol/Gordo day and Thursday is last-chance-salon day. You can see my predicament. There aren't may left.

So what has been the problem with TBMO? I know I've mentioned my shaky soldering paw, and that is part of it, but I've managed half-a-dozen other guitars while I've been faffing around not doing this. So it must be something else.

And the truth is that I've wired it three times, or maybe four, it is starting to blur.

Three times it worked anyway, but unfortunately in all cases the wiring didn't fit in with the routing which is a bit odd. Now don't get me wrong, I've measured it, and planned it on cardboard, but everytime, it hasn't quite managed to fit and it does my head in.

So I storm away and sulk for a month. All very childish, and maybe I should have just chopped some lumps of wood out of it, but I haven't - mainly because it would knacker the finish, of which I am rather chuffed and pleased, in that order.

So anyway, Tuesday - this time I'm taking a different approach that involves bandages, soap, a small pile of salt and an aubergine. Maybe even some burnt feathers if I can catch one of the magpies laughing at me thru the window. Which I probably should have done in the first place, but there we are. And if this doesn't work, well, another sulk will be in order...

The annoying thing is that it is one that I'm really pleased with. The paisley is likely to be the last one I ever do, the lipstick pickups I've used before and I know will sound great, and the Lulu Coppertop scratchplate looks amazing. The neck is a beauty too and ever the tuners are classy. It should be perfect, and yet, I just can't seem to deliver on it
.
It isn't so much the soldering that bugs me, it is the un-soldering when I bugger it up that grates.

In other news, I realised I needed a case for The Beaton One, which was daft as I ordered some last week and thought I had enough, so that was another chore. Should be here in time for next Monday's despatch anyway. Though typing that I've realised that I forgot to get one for The Blue Moon One, if that isn't tempting providence to sneak into fate's house and connect tripwires to bags of flour and buckets of tar and bundles of feathers on every door. But there we are. I might as well get one anyway.

I know that when I come to flog these babies of mine, cases makes them more expensivo, but they do seem to arrive more or less in one piece when I do, so it is a better thing.

But TBMO, it really needs to be sorted out. I have so many other things I need to torture myself over.

Traaa-la-laaa.
the End.

Sunday Morning

Battered Gordo with
unlikely upside-down logo

Well, it seems as though there are maybe one or two people out there who'd fancy The Beaton One after all - though how I'll decide who gets it, I'm really not sure. I do quite fancy a sandwich, though it has to be said...I'm a tad worried that we're attracting so many, well, strange people.

Not my style at all. (Ahem)

Of course the coming week is my last before the holibobs start, so I've got four whole days to finish The Blue Moon One before I can relax into a summer of child care with a clarity of conscience, previously unknown, assuming I manage such a  feat..

Saying that, one day of the four is ear-marked to be a whirlwind tour of Bristol's guitar shops, and there is also the teensy matter of a new-to-me, but old and battered Gordon Smith guitar coming this way.

I've wanted a 'Gordo' since, ooh, the late Eighties but it has never happened, but maybe this time it will. I like the fact it is battered too, the idea of a pristine Gordo seems wrong somehow. They need to be prole-like and agricultural, to my mind. I think what attracted me most to this one is that the bridge is a bit knackered and held together with a piece of bent wire. The logo is also upside-down, and I think it has been converted from a single pickup jobbie, to a twin-tub.You can't get better than that.

But back to Jookyland and I think I said before that the plan over the summer is to finally do The Old Burny One. A labour of lurvvee, but without any pressure. Which no doubt means it won't take any time at all, and I'll be bored out of my box before you know it. It is going to have a 23 Karat gold top, with a cracleur finish to give it that aged look. I have in fact already gold leafed it once, but wasn't happy with how it turned out, so it is stripped back to square one.

I talked before about the traditional Gibson wiring loom I got from Shugz/Hugh, which looks amazing, and the fact I've finally 'decided' to use the Gibson Bill Lawrence 'Original' pickups I managed to screw up but then fix a while back. In fact, all the parts are pretty much Gibson originals themselves. Not really sure why, but I guess I've always wanted a Les Paul and this will be as close as I'm likely to get to a Custom jobbie.

I go around in circles, I know.

Still, as ever, time will tell.

Win a Million Quid Guitar - Shocker

Well, I've been promising this for a little while, but The Beaton One is finished now and all that is left is to give it away. So here goes...

The Beaton One is a battered, psychologically damaged, beaten-up and generally well-bashed hunk of alder, has a maple and rosewood neck, and has been covered with a variety of gold, platinum and copper leaf, subjected to the humiliation of a variety of chemical drips and dribbles so that it is aged and rotted and looks somewhat tortured, it has to be said. Actually it looks more chewed in parts, but it adds to the ambiance.

The Beaton One has a Recommended Selling Price of a cool One Million, two hundred and seventeen thousand, eight hundred and ninety-eight pounds and forty-three pence. (£1,217,898.43) including post & packing, and lots of brown tape.

So as you can see this is a seriously cool offer, that quite literally is never to be repeated.

Beneath the bashed-around-the-ring surface though, is a cool guitar, 'boasting':


- Tusq nut,
- Fender Custom '69 pickups,
- Quality pots, switches, jack and vintage wiring,
- Wilkinson Bridge for three ton of sustain, and
- Wilkinson Easy Lock Tuners
- Tweedy Hardcase, Delivered to your door.

As with all of our lovely guitars, this is a totally unique, never-to-be-repeated, one-off, and comes with hand written tags, it's own 'handbook', arriving all wrapped in brown paper and string within a lovely tweedy hardcase. It'll probably still have a sticker on it with the price, but that'll come off with a bit of Fairy Liquid.

And for one lucky chap or chapess, it will be totally free, zilch, nowt, sod-all and basically a gift, delivered to your door, unless you want to pop around and have a brew and save me the postage.

So what do you have to do to get this vision of batteredness?

I'm glad you asked as I was losing the will to live.

If you would like to enter this free competition thingie, and really bug the PRS Custom players down your local open mic night, all you need do is reply with a comment on this very page, saying why I should give The Beaton One to you.

Extra marks for really weepy sob stories, general slagging off of everybody else that wants it and offers of slightly perverse yet interestingly imaginative bribes. Offers only please, the neighbourhood watch around here wear brown shirts.



And that is that. A million quid-plus guitar, up for grabs for nowt but a moment of your time, a sample of your humour.

So in summary:

- Free to enter, just comment below
- Include a name of some sort that you will recognise if I happen to pick you as the winner
- Entries must be dated/timed before 2.44pm on Friday 22nd July 2011 GMT
- No wheelbarrowload of cash alternative. The prize is a guitar, deal with it.
- Winner picked by me entirely at random or at least with whatever prejudice feels good at that particular time
- No arguing about anything, I bore really easily
- Guitar will be sent within a week using a courier that will no doubt damage/drop/send it via Melbourne
- Prize may be replaced with a different guitar if somebody buys it for the RSP in the meantime, assuming somebody reads this to a footballer or something and I haven't disappeared to South America with the money.
- If nobody at all enters, I will donate The Beaton One to science
- Can't think of anything else much to say

So let the, err, battle commence.

Introducing: The Beaton One

About The Beaton One

The Beaton One is a mashed together collection of our recent influences, using 23 Karat Gold, Copper and a variety of aged and variegated leaf across both the body and the headstock. In truth it looks rather battered all over and maybe even a touch chewed here and there. All of the damage is vaguely protected by first coats of acrylic and then nitro lacquers.

The guitar is of course based on the ‘70s  Fender Stratocaster, and the pickups are Fender’s own Custom ‘69s which are exceptionally Strat-like, you really can’t imagine. Tuners and Bridge are Wilkinson takes on traditional parts and work perfectly.

All in all, it is a unique looking and sounding guitar. Verily groovy indeed.

To reflect the sheer audacity of this guitar's finish, we're sorry to say that the current economic circumstances facing, well, everyone...means that it  is a little more expensive than has been the case with other Jooky guitars. Although, the RSP of £1,217,898.43 does include a tweedy hardcase and free delivery.

*

To be clear, The Beaton One is an utterly unique guitar, and there will never, ever, be another made. It is signed and numbered, entirely hand built and finished cooler than a pleasant night checking your odor eaters are still charcoal impregnated. There will genuinely never be another guitar like this and past experience suggests that it won’t be around for long.

Technical Stuff:

Type: Marilyn’s Gold Top, Lulu’s Copper Top and everything else we could throw at it,  really

Electrics: Fender Custom ’69 Stratocaster Pickups.

Guitar Type: Fender Stratocaster-esque

Construction: Variegated Leaf Finish to the body and headstock. Alder body, Maple neck.

Strings: Nickel 10s

Output: ¼” Guitar Lead

Controls: Single Volume, Dual Tone, Five-way Switch

Special Stuff: Certificate of Authenticity, Builder Signed and Numbered, All Wrapped with our Trademark Jooky Wrapping.

Serial Number: JGE#33

RSP: £1,217,898.43 incl. Hardcase & Delivery

Reporting Live From The Scene

The Beaton One
With a Million Dollar Smile...

Well, after the usual stuttering courier shenanigans, the Futuristic and Rusting Nail Ones finally made it to The Fat Old Man last night, which for some reason amazed me....just hope he likes them. I really miss The Rusting Nail One at the mo' - don't feel I'd started to scratch the surface with those pickups.

The Beaton One is also nearly done - new parts fitted, though a different bridge as my attempts with a measuring stick (ruler?) proved inept. Same with the tuners, but man can I ream a hole in a crisis.

Anyway, hopefully a formal introduction to that later today and then we're in business. It really is a battered old thing, but Ye Olde Fender Custom '69 pickups should make it sing. It has also been wired 'old style' and breaking a habit of a lifetime, I've actually used some Strats knobs - as they seemed to go nicely with the 23K Gold scratchplate and the Tele switch cap.

It ain't just thrown together

*sniff*

Just looks it (boom-boom)

I am really impressed with the Wilkinson Easy Locking tuners though, I can see me using them again if they are as stable as hoped. I've put strings on now and for the first time in ages not sliced a finger in the process. So The Beaton One is unblooded, not that that is a marketing triumph, claiming in all literalness that 'There's a piece of me in every guitar.' It doesn't sound quite right somehow.

You'll have to forgive the rolling-nature of this post, as I am writing and setting the guitar up at the same time, and I've just plugged the wee thing in and it sounds well cool. I forgot to polish the frets though when I oiled the fretboard, so I'll need to do that as sliding around isn't as easy as it could be. These pickups sound great though, everything you'd want in a Strat - cool.

Right, I'll do a bit more on it and get some fotos/do a proper introduction later on...

Thank you for the Daze

The Blue Moon One
One day destined for strings

Well, a sharp flurry of guitar wrapping since my return means that I can now settle down to my favourite task of all.

Waiting for couriers to show-up,
or not as the case may be.

I'm on a bit of a run with TNT at the moment as they have twice now picked-up when they are meant to, delivered when intended and everything arrived in one piece. I know it can't last but after DHL, HDN, FBI, MI6 and the CIA, it is nice to be surprised in a good way.

As for The Beaton One, well, 'awaiting parts' would be the status if things were that technical around here.

More accurately 'lay on the kitchen table', though to the same effect.

As for The Blue Moon One, well I am determined that tomorrow, that beatified piece of offsetness is going to be finished.

No more excuses, I'm going to stick with it until it works. (Though hopefully my Blackheart Killer Ant will have shown up by then as I haven't got an amp here at the moment. Ah, I could use the Line 6 PC thingie, that'll show if it works or not. Not the same mind without the glowing toobz and all that.)

But tomorrow,
or this week at least,
The Blue Moon One.

I'm really going to do it this time.

And the Beaton One, that's two.

Both of them. It is going to be soooo cool.
Can't wait.

Then I can have the summer off with an easy mind.
Phew.

A New Week Dawns

Beaton around the ring?
Who can say?

Well, The Red or Dead One went pretty quickly in the end, despite my best efforts at adopting the Basil Fawlty approach to sales and marketing. Maybe I should try the Ratner approach next...

Either way, it means we're back to our natural state of no-guitars-for-sale, which is good as it always makes me feel lazy and induces a deep-seated need to get my finger out and build something. More to the point I can afford to buy some much needed parts and finishing materials, which always helps

All this talk of money though, well it makes me feel better that oddly, the next Jooky build to be completed, is The Beaton One which I won't be selling at all and as I mentioned a dozen times before, am intending to give away. Just as soon as it is complete.

And complete it nearly is, apart from a few home-run-niggles, where I've been 'disappointed' by the tuners which despite being classy Schaller ones, don't seem solid enough to me to be stable and well, a couple of other things I need to do as well, which are far too boring to talk about on a Sunday.

This week though, I expect to have it done and I'm aiming to give it away next weekend, or at least the following Monday. But we'll see. I need to get a super and dooper tweedy case for it of course, must remember to do that. Always embarrassing when I come to wrap things up and I haven't got one.

After that, I need to get to grips with The Moulin Rouge One, but in truth that might be one for the Autumn, as we are winding down and into the school holibobs trough. Though I have all the parts, which always makes it tempting, it has to be said. Though the finish I'm still all-of-a-bobble over.

We'll see though.

Loving it when a plan sort of works, eventually, like

Well, my one-off Bogof turned-up trumps at the end, and the Fat Old Man himself snapped up another couple of Jookies, which means that he can retire once everybody realises that I'm the new Paul Reed Smith and the four guitars he'll have are worth a fortune. Couldn't happen to nicer bloke.

Other than that, work-shy relatives mean I'm playing Flo' Nightingale for the rest of the week, so there is unlikely to be a lot of progress on the Jooky side of life. I did however get a wee bit of work done on the neck of The Beaton One but never showed you, my imaginary reader, and gave it a jarring, and most unmatching headstock.

Rubbish foto, innit?

This is some new leaf for me - a rather jazzy blue/gold variegated one, and is destined for a guitar body, but it seemed right for The Beaton One to have a little taster as it has just about every other leaf I've used so far on it. And I have to say, it looks rather lovely. Even though the foto is terrible and doesn't show it at all.

Thinking about The Beaton One, I decided that the tuners I had planned to use weren't good enough when I came to put them on, so I've ordered some nice locking ones, and while I was at it I've ordered one of them there sustain-filled steel blocked tremolos as well.

Oh, and some different knobs (I'd gone for speed knobs, but I can't say I like them - they always look so clunky to me) so I think I'd like to try some Tele knobs on it. I'm going for a Tele switch tip as well, because, well I like them.

Hopefully then this little gem will be up-and-running next week, and then on to pastures new. In terms of giving it away, I've been thinking of lots of weird and oddly strange ways, and finally come down to the simplest. I'll ask who wants it and then randomly choose somebody from the, well let's face it - millions - who respond. Can't beat simplicity. It also means I don't have to do much work.

As for The Moulin Rouge One, I decided to change my mind again, as there is a 'Y' in the day, and it is now going to feature a PRS P90 and a Bare Knuckle 'Stormy Monday'. I know, another change,  I can't keep up myself. The reason being that I just feel like it. Blah blah blah.

Other than that, the summer holibobs are rapidly approaching, and so I'm planning on winding things down a bit. I'm going to aim to do a pedal or three if I can manage the soldering, and apart from that the only guitar I'm going to touch is The Old Burny One over the six-weeks-of-hell, as it is known around here. And if I haven't finished it by then, The Blue Moon One, before it has an anniversary of it's own.

But there we are, enough of that drivel... I need to find some brown paper and get the FoM's guitars off to him...

BOGOF? Maybe a little rude for a Tuesday...

Well, rather typically for a Monday, I changed my mind all over again, got somewhat going, and 'made great strides' as far as The Beaton One goes.

Rather rubbish foto of
The Beaton One

The final specification is now formalised, and in typical fashion, I'm back to where I started with a three single coil Strat, covered in a variety of golden leaf and a selection of verdigris.

It is even wired up, though I need to do a touch more work to the neck, not least attach it to the body, which is one of Jooky life's fundamentels.

Why the change of plan?

Well, I'd actually managed to confuse myself somewhat and forgotten I'm doing two Strats (or planning to anyway) and that I had already sorted the other one out for the pickups I was half thinking about using on The Beaton One. And as they can't be in two places at the same time (Schrödinger's cat, apart) something had to give.

It is that clarity of thought that makes Jookyland such a fine place to be.

Always predictible and rarely
sad.

Anyway, I'm hoping that The Beaton One will be finished by Thursday, and then I need to think of a good way to give it away.

Saying
              'Who wants it?'

seems a bit obvious, after all.

Not least because nobody might.

Always a worry.

More generally, I am in the odd position of having three Jooky guitars available to buy at the same time.

Very rarely has that happened before, and if I get my finger out and finally finish The Blue Moon One I may have to get a bigger web site or house to hold them all. Which would be expensive and rather annoying.

So to avoid such rapid expansionismistic thingies, I'm open to offers/trades/ for any of them.

In fact if you buy one of them for £399 you can pick one of the others too for free.

Until I forget or maybe change my mind and deny everything.

So a short-term BOGOF offer, who'd have thought it?

And even that is likely to be a one-off.

Did you miss me? Yeah,...

OK, maybe Gary Glitter songs don't present the kind of image us wholesome purveyors of fluffy guitars are in search of. Forget I asked.

The Beaton One
Needing a new scratchplate methinks

Well, back again, and I've been having a play with The Rusting Nail One this morning, and it really is quite intriguing. Most of the 'interest' has been about finding out how the Wizard Novatron performs, of course, and the simple answer is that the more I play it, the more I like it.

I think playing it quiet, as I did the other day, doesn't really show it off at it's best. It is very clean and noise-free-quiet, and very useful, but it isn't until you crank it up a wee bit that what is different about it starts to shine.

It is subtle but in a lot of ways stunning. When Andy, the Wizard chap, mentioned both resonator and Leslie tones, I was a bit confused as basically they aren't two that I would naturally put together as being likely, but he is bang on the money as it can certainly give you plenty of options in both 'camps'.

Hmmm, navel gazing, time to move on.

Today then, will involve some tweaking of The Rusting Nail One, not least because I've realised that I have lost the rear compartment cover somewhere, which is annoying, and because I need to spend a bit of time setting it up.

Obligatory Sexy Red or Dead
Gratuitously close-up and impersonal

After nailing the Nail, I'm going to do something about The Beaton One. I've got another Irongear Alchemist 90 P90 thingy, which will be uber cool as it is in the Rusting Nail One and in so many others I'm sure, and alongside that I'm going to use the Catswhisker PAF humbucker I forgot I had until I remembered. Other than fitting those, I think the guitar is pretty much done if I remember correctly. Which I don't usually, lets face it.

Be nice to have it finished today too, it would mean I can start afresh next week. Or have a little nap or something.

All of which will mean that I'll have four completed Jookies in my possession, which is a first and can't last. I'll have to give The Beaton One away soonish, methinks.

All good though...

The Future is Now. Well, maybe next week...

Well, OK. I still haven't started to finish The Blue Moon One, but I will, some day, one day, sometime.....soon.

However I did manage to move on at a pace with The Futuristic One - hence the fotos overtaking yesterday's missive by the time I got around to 'posting' it to this here blog-thing.

The body has even been lacquered and is swinging in the breeze drying itself in front of a fan heater. But that wasn't all, as I even got busy and sorted out the neck, removed the Foney-Fenderisation with some wire wool and then burned a Jooky logo into it's place. Bit of oil today and that will be lovely.

As for the top, I am really pleased with the effect. I let the acid-stuff burn quite a lot of the leaf away, and then Jooked it a bit more so it has ended-up with a spangled yet glittery burst type of effect. I wanted a lot of the purple to show thru, and it has, so all is cool.




So in truth, a bit of a tart up on the body once the lacquer has 'cured' and it will be time to wire the thing up, where it will no doubt flounder on the same boulders as my luna-de-bleu, as my rocking and rolling hands are shaking and a quaking a bit too much for soldering to be an option at the mo'.
But there we are, can't be helped.

I did do one other thing yesterday, and that was to rescue a Strat body I've been using over the last few months to practise my gilding and corroding on. It's been covered and wrecked more times than a (insert your own simile that doesn't involve crack whores) but by some twist of fate has ended-up looking quite amazing. It has stars depicted as a kind of relief (or whatever you call the opposite of embossedness) and has some quite lovely verdigris and generally looks quite beaten.
I just fell in love with it, sitting there all quietly timid. The guitar not me. The Beaton One, I think I shall call it, as it has been a bit of a Jookified cookbook truth be told.

So, without talking about myself in the third, I'm getting a bit self-referential and recycling myself, and while I was lacquering The Futuristic One, I gave this a good spray too.

Don't get me wrong, it is going to make a nice guitar and the body is beautifully light - maybe alder at a guess, but I'm wondering now what to do with it. Well, obviously it will have a neck and tuners and everything, but I mean what shall I do about pickups?

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬ LATER THAT DAY ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

Well, since I wrote that and didn't immediately post it to tthe blog/site thing, I did instead move on even further with The Futuristic One, as you can no doubt see from the fotos....

Anyway, neck and body are done, a slight change of direction in terms of the pickups means a pair of uncovered Gibson ones are replacing the err, broken, 'Originals', which is a pain in the bum, but there we are. (Don't ask, just don't ask).

Other than that, it just needs wiring and we be there, which is all cool.

Oh, and a bridge as I can't find that at the moment...it really is here somewhere though..

La la laaa